Over 2000 years ago, Plato wrote that us humans once had four arms, four legs, and two faces. As a punishment for our pride, Zeus split us in half and left humans to spend their lives searching for their other halves. This idea would evolve into the modern myth of soulmates. Although this concept has developed since, many people still believe that there is someone out in the world who is their perfect ‘other half,’ or ‘the one;’ someone who they are destined to be with. The soulmate trope can be found in endless movies and shows; The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Good Place, Dawson’s Creek and so many more. It pervades all types of literature, from classics like Wuthering Heights to young adult fiction like A Court of Thorns and Roses.

A quick search on TikTok reveals how much the soulmate trope still pervades the consciousness of our generation. Looking up the word ‘soulmate’ will bring up streams of relationship-affirming videos such as ‘Signs you have found your soulmate,’ ‘Your soulmate’s name starts with (cue the creator slowly drawing a random letter inside of a heart),’ and even filters which claim to show you what your soulmate looks like. Creators also draw on this trope through story-based ‘POV’ videos, usually posing futuristic scenarios in which people have psychic connections to their soulmates or clues to one’s soulmate are revealed over time. Regardless of how frequently soulmates are celebrated in media and literature, and although I consider myself a romantic, I don’t find this concept romantic at all.

Although I consider myself a romantic, I don’t find this concept romantic at all

The way I see it, a partner that you’re destined to be with can be reframed as someone you had no choice but to be with. This idea feels too inescapable for me to find it romantic. Isn’t it a much lovelier idea that someone has chosen to be with you out of everyone else in the world? They see everything that’s amazing about you, and all of your flaws, and they believe that you’re the one for them. I want my partner to know why they want to be with me, rather than feel a mysterious, unexplained connection to me.

Furthermore, the soulmate myth resists the fact that throughout our lives, we are constantly growing and changing. I am not the same person that I was 10 years ago (noted, I was 11) and I won’t be the same person that I am now in another 10 years. Two people cannot run in a linear line of growth their whole lives. So, I can’t believe that the same person could be right for me my whole life. Of course, I’m not saying that two people cannot choose to commit to each other and intentionally grow together. I hope to live a happy, married life to someone special in the future, but the difference is that I don’t have unrealistic expectations about this person being exactly perfect for me. I will love them because of and despite our differences.

The expectations that the soulmate myth creates can have a detrimental effect on romantic relationships. To wait for ‘the one’ and not accept anything less can result in you missing out on potentially wonderful connections with others. Holding your partners to the unreasonably high standard of being perfect for you creates unrealistic expectations and sets them and the relationship up for failure. It’s normal to have disagreements with a partner (to a certain extent) and it’s normal to recognise the flaws in your relationship. The important thing is that you communicate with them and try to work towards compromise and understanding. This is what creates a strong bond between two people, regardless of destiny.

Holding your partner to the unreasonably high standard of being perfect for you creates unrealistic expectations

Another flaw of this myth is that it implies that we cannot be complete without finding our ‘other half.’ Some people choose to spend their lives alone and are perfectly happy and fulfilled. Others decide to live out their lives in the company of friends rather than a romantic partner. Romance is not the be-all and end-all of life. I believe that the best relationships are found when both people could live without each other. It is important to be your own person. While I want romance in my life, I am never going to pity someone who doesn’t. I won’t assume they’re lonely or that they envy me. In fact, I’d probably envy them a little bit! I wish I was better at spending time with myself. I have friends who solo travel, whose hobbies are primarily solitary activities, and who take themselves on ‘solo dates’ regularly, and I think that it’s incredibly cool. So, I don’t see why there is a stigma around people who want to continue spending time with themselves for the rest of their lives.

Of course, everyone is going to have a different definition of what a soulmate is to them. The idea that I take issue with is the traditional image of a soulmate. Some people believe that they have found their soulmate in one of their friends and don’t link it to romance whatsoever. Others might separate the word soulmate from its traditional origin and use it in a more casual, (choice-involved) sense. My perspective is that we should not be striving for the literary, media, and especially TikTok-driven Platonian idea of the soulmate. Love your partner because of what makes them different from you. Cherish the fact that you have chosen to be with each other. And, spend time with yourself to learn that you don’t need an ‘other half.’

Image: Saoirse McDonagh